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One year One month ago

I miss you so much Louis, it's been a month today. There is so much pain, so many tears still flow on our faces ... so many questions in our minds.

I probably never know if our choices were the best for you, I just hope they will one day find a meaning for us.

I love you my angel.

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Fly, fly, little wing

My angel, my dove

Go away far away, go serene
Here nothing not holding you

the sky and the ether

Let us leave the earth

Exits cloak of misery

Change universe

Fly fly little Louis

Fly my angel My pain

Leave your body and leaves us

finally stop the pain

Go join the other side

one of flowers and laughter

one you wanted as

Your child's life

Fly fly my love

Because ours is too heavy

Because nothing eases your pain Fly to your

last trip

Leave your hours exhausted

Fly, you did not steal

Become a breeze, be dove To fly yourself away

Fly, fly little flame

Fly my angel, my soul Leave your

skin misery

Go find the light

C. Dion

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Goodbye my angel Fly

We are July 26, I called all night thy nurse, intensive care and I know you're very wrong. We begged the doctors to let you go now and let us go with you with dignity to the end.
By late morning, we received a call from the supervisor: "Louis is installed in a room alone, we started reducing drugs, you can come whenever you want ... but know that it can take more time ". Towards
13h we arrived at Jacques Cartier. I've never been so scared in my life ... I never thought for one second that I will accompany my son to his last breath. When we return

in his room accompanied by his nurse and supervisor of the service I get the impression of being supported by something or someone ... I know these are my last moments with Louis and they remain engraved in my memory forever, I must find the strength I have no choice.

"A little more strength to let you go ... my heart a little more strength to tell you how much I love you ..."

There is no need to look at the scope to see that your minutes are counted now, I can hardly recognize my little Louis. I slip one hand under your neck and another wraps your little hand, your dad the other gases in his ... and that is all our love we accompany your last breath.

Everything goes very fast, as if you had waited for us from ...

"Fly my love, have not afraid to be quiet now, return to the light ... we meet one day I'm sure ... Thank you, thank you for everything you gave us to live, thank you for your passage, we will never forget ... "

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pediatric cardiopulmonary resuscitation

This chapter could take pages and pages ... but I'm not sure to have the strength to dive back into all the details of this fight too uneven for you. But I needed to summarize some three weeks for all those who wish to know your story ... but also so that your suffering does not be a distant bad memory of a medical team to save the world at all costs.

There was the cardiac catheterization the next day of your birth to try to open the valve a little better but it was not effective and you have almost died two days later. On that day I could take you and your dad too for the only time in my arms ...

There was your first open heart surgery to enlarge the opening of your aortic valve surgery, but your heart is packed and you almost died again. When you're back in intensive care was still open your chest ... I never imagined even it was not possible ... I saw only your eyes, your whole body was hidden under the son, dressings, tubes, catheters, drains ... And only four days later you're back to the block to close your little chest ...
Again, the improvement was not enough to live without drugs or machines and your general condition worsened gradually ...

Then the situation became increasingly difficult to bear for me, for us ... there were many hours of discussions with the medical team to see if we accepted the last response was that we "proposed" development in place of a tube VG aorta ...
On July 21, you went back to the operating room for a new open heart surgery and even surgeon seemed surprised to see you out alive.

But if I felt up to experience moments of unbearable, the worst would happen now. This last statement does thee not save it either, and you continued to go from bad to worse. Your heart is not pumping enough, your kidney that does more and your lungs fill with water ... and you were always there to beat you!
My eyes met yours several times in recent days ... I saw you more and more blue and swollen by edema ... I preferred to die burned alive than see you live this torture.

Until the day you die I have slept, and this sentence of your pediatric cardiologist will never leave me "I understand your concern but you know, having children is a lot of anguish and myself to moment where I speak, my 18 year old son made "Kitesurfing" in Tarifa. I'm 50 and if I lose I shall have no other!
But you have life ahead you! "
(to think in such moments ...)

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Here you are my love!

on 2 July 2006, this is a fortnight since I am hospitalized Jacques Cartier. The pediatric cardiologist gives me an ultrasound every other day to tell me that it is still critical but that each day spent inside my stomach it saves a few grams which will be vital.

My morale is down.

I'm in maternity, babies crying, mothers spend with bits in their arms and I'm terrified of the future ... I know that I take Louis immediately after birth and than I'll never close to me in this room. "not to think that I'll never ..."

My husband is amazing and I'm holdin him not to sink. If I had to rely on the medical staff to help me I am finished drowned in an infusion of Atarax (this is an anxiolytic).

The July 2, 2006, the decision must be taken out Louis. But the obstetrician rather try vaginal delivery rather than cesarean. The outbreak begins, the contractions ... But my neck is locked, impossible to open. I spent two days in contract, monitoring, prostaglandin gel, examination of the cervix, contractions .... but nothing, my neck remains intact. Louis did not want to leave ...

The July 4, 2006, after xth prostaglandin gel and contractions become dangerous for me, I was down the block for caesarean section. "you will go there soon my love ..."

Caesarean section starts, I'm good, I have no pain anywhere and I'm talking to Louis. "My heart is the big day I've heard so much .. I love you, I'm not afraid my love is waiting for you and your dad too resuscitation to welcome you. .. "It is 16:15, and I hear a little cry behind the operative field: my LOUIS!!

I see him disappear into the arms of a midwife, I see lots of people around him on the treatment table and a childcare assistant who at his side beckons me he's okay. I hear someone who says "3kg290, 50cm is quite a month ahead!"

The next moment remains one of the most beautiful of my life: the midwife approached me with Louis and asked about my face. His eyes were wide open and I gazed into hers ... Just seconds before the pediatric cardiologist will beat the recall and he left in ICU.

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The end of pregnancy

early June while accelerating, the heart of Louis goes from bad to worse. Now aortic stenosis adds critical left ventricular dysfunction: ie, the left heart does not pump Louis almost over. Fetal circulation allows the right heart to counteract the lack of strength of the left ventricle and the only reason that Louis is still alive.

That day is the first time where I thought Louis was going to die. I am a nurse in intensive care Cardiology Adult and adults when the heart is left is the fucking heart transplant or death ... But that day, the pediatric cardiologist told me that things were different in children: "there is a chance to recover the left ventricle of Louis if we raise the barrier ( the obstacle is the aortic valve in which the ventricle has to pump ran out). It will take him out earlier than we expected and operating as quickly as possible. "

And that day, I thought that it was indeed possible, that she had experience such a situation and that his team had already saved many children like Louis.

Only now I know how the chances of Louis were already extremely thin at this time.

But I , we were not ready to accept the idea that Louis was going to be dying.

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Our wedding!


May 13 This day will remain unforgettable. I am sure that Louis felt all the love that surrounded us and in us that day ... as he has felt the worst, anxiety, fear, anger at other times ...

I think we will always keep pinching particularly in our hearts when we look at the photos of the day.
"love is stronger than all my Louis, I promise ..."

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First visit to the pediatric cardiologist

What should have control heart of our baby is finally the beginning of our nightmare.

At almost six months pregnant, I learn that the heart of Louis did not develloped normally. He is suffering from congenital heart disease (heart disease acquired during pregnancy). The first diagnosis that we were given that day was "bicuspid aortic valve. In short, this is a defect in the aortic cusp. This is normally composed of three layers or "cusp" that open and close the passage of blood into the aorta. In the case of Louis, this valve has only two layers. This means that to be effective, the heart must pump more pounds and that this valve will age faster.
It will therefore make a day just in the present state of things we do not know if it will be in the early years of his life or the next 20, 30, 40 ...

is a stairway to hell opens that day under our feet ... It will take several weeks to regain our strength and our hope: to believe and accept to fight for the future of Louis.

Pregnancy is now closely monitored and visits to hospital are increasing Jacques Cartier in Massy. The week before our wedding, the pediatric cardiologist we learn that Louis can not live if that is not done at birth and will therefore have to induce labor early July ...

few more steps towards nothingness and a backpack heavier and heavier ... Try not to turn around, stop thinking about what we would have liked to live for the first pregnancy, but accept that the only chance of life for Louis will be open heart surgery ... try ...

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It's a boy!




Yes it's on, It's a Boy! The second quarter looks good, nausea end and I stopped. We are moving to accommodate our little guy and we advance the date of our marriage in May.
We're pretty set on the name: it will be Louis. It is also the name of my maternal grandfather and those who know him say that it is an exceptional force of nature: "That this name you luck to you too my love"

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Nine months ago ...




Here's the first picture of my little angel, I pregnant 5 weeks, a point of light shining in the hollow of my womb, his little heart.
There was the joy of receiving life soon, thousands of projects and already so much love ...
Certainly there were nausea, fatigue, raging hormones, but these little annoyances were so meaningful to us.